Wednesday, March 20, 2024

#210 E-Trade TV Ad

 

#201 Blogpost             Wednesday, 20 March 2024

 http://dennyhatch.blogspot.com/2024/03/210-e-trade-tv-ad.html

Posted by Denny Hatch
(With Many Thanks to Robert Hacker)

 

The Goofiest 30-Second Brokerage Spot in
 TV History Perpetrated by a Trendy Agency.

 


E*TRADE Picklebabies Super Bowl Ad 2024. Click Below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjLr4bdLPIs

 

Founded in 1991 by William A. Porter and Bernard A. Newcomb, E*TRADE enables investors to go online anywhere on earth at any time and trade. Two decades later E*TRADE has 5.2 million account holders, each with an average account value of $70,000+ and a total of more than $360 billion in retail client assets.  

 

On October 2, 2020, E*TRADE joined forces with the Morgan Stanley behemoth with 16 million clients and client assets of $6.3 Trillion.

 

What the Kids Said About E*TRADE in 30 Seconds.

The Script.

RED KID:     So this is Pickleball?

BLUE KID:    It’s basically for babies, but for adults.

RED KID:     It should be called Wiffle tennis.

BLUE KID:    Pickle!

RED KID:     Yeah, aw!

BLUE KID:    Whoo!

RED KID:     These guys are intense.

BLUE KID:    We got nothing to worry about. With E*TRADE
                     from Morgan Stanley, we’re ready for whatever
                     gets served up.

ADULT:          Dude, you gotta work on your trash talk.

RED KID:       I’d rather work on saving for retirement.

BLUE KID:    Or college, since you like to get schooled.

RED KID:      That’s a pretty good burn, right? Got him.

BLUE KID:     Good Game Thanks for coming to our clinic. The
                     first one’s free.

 


 

“GET IN THE GAME... ?????”


Excuse me, a family’s life savings and financial future ain’t a kiddy game.

 

Memories of 30 Years Ago.

 As editor and publisher of Target Marketing magazine for 7 years, I was constantly on the road visiting advertisers and exhibiting (and/or speaking at) direct marketing gatherings.

 

At a big expo, I distinctly remember one oh-so-young marketing guy at the podium proclaiming: “Never forget our main business as direct marketers is satisfying customer’s needs.”

 

 The two-word instant reaction in my head: THAT'S BULLSH**.

 

    Scheduled as the next speaker at the session, I ad-libbed new opening remarks: “Contrary to the words of the distinguished previous speaker, we are not in the business of satisfying needs. I need toilet paper. I need gas for the car. I need Jockey underwear. I want a Jaguar.”

 

    I had wanted a Jaguar ever since my boyhood friend Tony Hayes turned 18 and his parents gave him a 1952 XK120. Yum, yum.


It's doubtful we could afford a Jaguar on our modest income at the time. But the Jaguar folks never came up with an upbeat, informative ad campaign that touted all the reasons why a Jag would enhance our existence and be well worth the investment if we were lucky enough to get our hands on one. 

 

In remembering Tony’s glorious XK120 some 60 years later I finally came up with a unique selling proposition (USP) for this cranky marketing blog/electronic newsletter:

“Direct marketing is the science and art
of creating wants and changing behavior.”

 

Back to the Present.  Let’s Start with the West Coast Agency That Played Holy Moly Mayhem with E*TRADE’s $9 Million Smackers.

 

I Googled E*TRADE's wackadoodle agency.

 



 Below is the very first image in the E*TRADE agency’s slide show welcoming you into their eerie weirdo world.

 

https://www.72andsunny.com

Yep. Above is the first image you see. My three-letter word in reaction:

 

"Huh?"

 

Where the Agency's Dilettantes and Management Blew It.

1.   This Super Bowl spot has nothing to do with brokerage,
   finance or the benefits of using E*TRADE. It was all about
   pickleball.

 

2.   The pickleball ad has no offer, no call-to-action — not even the    suggestion to open an E*TRADE account and how to do it.

 

3.   No way to measure the ad’s success or failure in terms of
  Return on Investment (ROI).

 

Hacker's Wizardry

 I contacted the savviest marker I ever knew — longtime friend, mentor and guru, legendary (now retired) Seattle marketing genius Robert Hacker. I asked Bob about the E*TRADE campaign and the outrageous cost — $7 million for a 30-second oh-so cutesy-poo gag ad. It’s core achievement: extraordinary trompe l’oeil lip synching with adult comments by these ‘Picklebabies.” The campaign was most likely created by a hotshot, hip agency. (My take: 72andSunny is far more interested in agency publicity and winning awards rather than  advertisements that bring in money and customers for their clients).

 


Retired Bob Hacker successfully engaging in his favorite hobby.
(Second favorite hobby: creating magnificent wooden salad bowls)

 

Bob’s Immediate Reply:

Can only share my experience. I started out as an advertising guy, both on the agency and client side.  It was fun, gotta say, but it was bereft of meaning.  Advertising is all about “how cool can you be?”  Since the 50’s or 60’s it has never been about client ROI.  It’s always about “cool”.  Can I get recognized as “cool”?  Can I win an award?  Can I get a free trip to Cannes?   Can I work for an agency or client that does “cooler stuff” than I’m doing now?  It’s always about “me”, never the client and/or their business needs.  So I left the fey cult of cutie pie for the world of ROI.  Loved it!  No more “how cool am I” award shows, just ROI.  If you beat the ROI target, you’re a hero, miss it, you’re a zero.  Love that world.  Could never go back to the cutie pie world.  Do I really care what creative peers think of me?  Hell no!  I cared about how much money my clients made with my help.  You can argue about what’s cooler, there’s no argument about doubling a client’s profit.  Love that world.

To that end, if you run an Excel spreadsheet modeling a Super Bowl commercial, Can’t imagine it would pencil…unless you are totally invested in how your creative team feels about their work.

 

 So, Now Let’s Do Some Math for 

 A Typical Package Goods Product.


 Advertising cost in a typical Fortune 500 is usually 2-4% of
    sales.  Let’s assume 3% for this exercise.

 

 Super Bowl commercial is about $7,000,000. 

 

 Production and agency fees would be another $2,000,000 
    for a total of $9,000,000.

 

 To hit the 3% cost-per-sale figure, the spot would have to
    generate ($9,000,000/.03) = $300,000,000.

 

 That’s the bet.  That’s the way a direct marketing agency
    would present it.  A general agency never does the calculation. 
    If they did, they’d never get to run the spot.

    

 Why do direct marketers and general agency people behave
    so differently?  To a general agency, the client has a budget
    for them to spend.  A direct marketer has funds to invest.

 

 And they always work hard to avoid making a bad bet.

 

 Different assumptions would drive a different model. Use
    your own, see if you would still make the bet.


Takeaways to Consider:

 

The Ten Inviolable Rules of Advertising

Compiled by Denny Hatch Over 60 Years. 

 

Rule #1: “The only purpose of advertising is to make sales. It is profitable or unprofitable according to its actual sales.” 

—Claude Hopkins, Scientific Advertising

 

Rule #2: “Your job is to sell, not entertain.” 

—Jack Maxson, freelancer, creator of the Brookstone catalog

 

Rule #3: “If it doesn’t sell, it’s not creative.” 

—Credo of Benton and Bowles, Chicago, in the 1930s

 

Rule #4: “Every time we get creative we lose money.” 

—Ed McCabe, president of BMG Music Club

 

Rule #5: Beware of humor in advertising. People don’t buy from clowns.” —David Ogilvy

 

Rule #6: The 7 emotional hot buttons that make people buy: Fear – Greed – Guilt – Anger – Exclusivity – Salvation – Flattery 

—Bob Hacker, Axel Anderssen, Denny Hatch 

 

Rule #7: “The prospect doesn’t give a damn about you, your company or your product. All that matters is, ‘What’s in it for me?’” 

—Bob Hacker

 

Rule #8: Always listen to W-I-I FM.  

Direct Marketing Old Saw

 

Rule #9: “Always make it easy to order.”  

Elsworth Howell, CEO, Grolier Enterprises

 

Rule #10. "Awards are like hemorrhoids. Sooner or later every asshole gets one."

—Charlotte Rampling/Francois Ozon.  "Swimming Pool."

 

###

 

Word Count: 1320

 

 


292pp     6" x 9"
Hardcover:     $39.95
Paperback:     $29.95
ebook/Kindle: $19.95

Amazon

 https://www.amazon.com/Method-Marketing-Denison-Hatch/dp/1648372767/ref=sr_1_9?keywords=method+marketing&qid=1681898276&sr=8-9

Barnes & Noble

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/method-marketing-denison-hatch/1100485178?ean=9781648372766

 

At age 15, Denny Hatch—as a lowly apprentice—wrote his first news release for a Connecticut summer theater. To his astonishment it ran verbatim in The Middletown Press. He was instantly hooked on writing. After a two-year stint in the U.S. Army (1958-60), Denny had nine jobs in his first 12 years in business. He was fired from five of them and went on to save two businesses and start three others. One of his businesses—WHO’S MAILING WHAT! newsletter and archive service founded in 1984—revolutionized the science of how to measure the success of competitors’ direct mail. In the past 55 years he has been a book club director, magazine publisher, advertising copywriter/designer, editor, journalist and marketing consultant. He is the author of four published novels and seven books on business and marketing.

CONTACT
dennyhatch@gmail.com


Note to Readers:  Denny Hatch's Marketing Blog is FREE.
No Cost. No Risk. No Obligation. Cancel Any Time. Learn. Enjoy.

May I send you an alert when each new blog is posted? If so, kindly give me the okay by send
ing your First Name, Last Name and email to dennyhatch@yahoo.com. I guarantee your personal information will not be shared with anyone at any time for any reason. The blog is a free service. No cost. No risk. No obligation. Cancel any time. I look forward to being in touch!

IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE POSTING A COMMENT… EMAIL ME! I'LL HELP!
Google owns Blogspot.com and this Comment Section. If you do not have a Google account — or if you find it too damn complicated — contact me directly and I will happily post your comment. Thank you and do keep in touch. dennyhatch@yahoo.com


Invitation to Marketers and Direct Marketers: 
Guest Blog Posts Are Welcome. 
If you have a marketing story to tell, case history, concept to propose or a memoir, give a shout. I’ll get right back to you. I am: 
dennyhatch@gmail.com
215-644-9526 (rings on my desk). 

You Are Invited to Join the Discussion.

Wednesday, February 28, 2024

#200 Super Bowl Ads


#200 Blog Post - Wednesday, 28 February 2024

 

Posted by Denny Hatch


 

 

How 59 Major Advertisers Lost a Total of

Over $900 Million on Super Bowl TV Ads.

 

 

The Nine Inviolable Rules of Advertising

Compiled by Denny Hatch Over 60 Years.

 

Rule #1: “The only purpose of advertising is to make sales. It is profitable or unprofitable according to its actual sales.” 

—Claude Hopkins, Scientific Advertising

 

Rule #2: “Your job is to sell, not entertain.” 

—Jack Maxson, freelancer, creator of the Brookstone catalog

 

Rule #3: “If it doesn’t sell, it’s not creative.” 

—Credo of Benton and Bowles, Chicago, in the 1930s

 

Rule #4: “Every time we get creative we lose money.” 

—Ed McCabe, president of BMG Music Club

 

Rule #5: “Beware of humor in advertising. People don’t buy from clowns.” —David Ogilvy

 

Rule #6: The 7 emotional hot buttons that make people buy: Fear – Greed – Guilt – Anger – Exclusivity – Salvation – Flattery 

—Bob Hacker, Axel Anderssen, Denny Hatch

 

Rule #7: “The prospect doesn’t give a damn about you, your company or your product. All that matters is, ‘What’s in it for me?’” 

—Bob Hacker

 

Rule #8: Always listen to W-I-I FM.  

Direct Marketing Old Saw

 

Rule #9: “Always make it easy to order.”  

Elsworth Howell, CEO, Grolier Enterprises

 

Regarding the Lede Illustration.

 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjLr4bdLPIs

 

“A pair of lifelike babies play pickleball with a pair of obnoxious adults in need of schooling. One of the few ads whose humor has anything resembling a bite.”

—Mike Hale, New York Times Television Critic

 

 What Was E-Trade Thinking?

 

The E-Trade corporate officers who authorized the spending of $7,000,000.00 (plus God only knows how much additional production dough) for the 30-second Super Bowl ads sure-as-hell got their money's worth of exposure. They reached an estimated 127.3 million viewers.

 

Yeah, but... How many of this vast audience were convinced and comforted that the folks at E-Trade should be trusted with the financial future of their family’s retirement and the kids’ college expenses? When you Google E-Trade, here’s what comes up:

 

 


Could the above oh-so-cutesy-poo Picklebabies @$7-million for a 30-second gag ad persuade Peggy and me to switch our modest lifetime savings from Fidelity to E-Trade?

 

Not bloody likely.

 

In other words, what was E-Trade’s ROI?

 

Zero. Zip. Nada. Niente. Nuttin. 

 

 

 

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/11/arts/television/super-bowl-commercials-ads-best-worst.html

 

Mike Hale, The New York Times Television Critic.  

Feb. 11, 2024. Updated Feb. 12, 2024, 11:27 a.m. ET

 

In the spirit of “Who actually watches the game?,” here is our ranking of Sunday night’s Super Bowl commercials, from best to worst.

 

Ground rules: Only ads shown on the national CBS broadcast during the game were eligible. Not included are some non-commercial (religious, political, social advocacy) spots and most movie trailers and promos for television and streaming broadcasts.

 

NOTE by DH:  Many of these ads run longer than 30 seconds — thus costing tons more than $7 million. Plus all production costs, corporate and agency salaries, expenses, expense accounts, etc., etc.

 

The Best of the Bunch
These are the ones we’ll remember for at least a day or two.

BMW

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfB-glrgn5o

 

Christopher Walken makes fun of people making fun of Christopher Walken, with a cameo performance by the Super Bowl halftime star Usher. As always, he walks the walk.

 

Mountain Dew

   

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAdDi6G74mc

 

Aubrey Plaza flat-affects her way through life with the help of a carbonated citrus beverage. Plaza is reliably droll, and there’s a late “Parks and Recreation” homage


Squarespace

 


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xp5v3-3Hc-E

 

Aliens (a theme in this year’s ads) come to earth and can’t get our attention until they figure out how to get on the internet. It is handsomely directed by Martin Scorsese (working with the “Barbie” cinematographer Rodrigo Prieto), though it’s not at all clear what’s being advertised.

 

Lindt

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ghDxSkEERE

 

A chocolate ball bops around the world to the tune of Perry Como’s “Round and Round.” Shiny, bouncy candy.

 

‘A Quiet Place: Day One’

 


https://mashable.com/video/a-quiet-place-day-one-super-bowl-ad

 

Lupita Nyong’o faces an alien invasion in a prequel film to John Krasinski’s “A Quiet Place.” The clear winner among the movie trailers.

 

 

Google

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uK83PRg0Rk

 

A man with low vision records his life in sharp photographs using a new feature of the Google Pixel. Touching story with a predictable but effective big finish.

 

Dunkin’

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOwR9TIeXTs

 

A blustery Ben Affleck tries to impress an unimpressed Jennifer Lopez while an embarrassed Matt Damon and enthusiastic Tom Brady look on. Pleasant buzz of star power.

 

poppi

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZin7yVU_1c


Attractive young people in grainy, retro split-screen video try to convince us of the healthy nature of the sodas sold by this Austin, Texas-based beverage company. Visually fizzy.

 

National Football League

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7glIC7OaIro


A youngster imagines playing American football as he runs through a crowded Ghanaian market accompanied by N.F.L. players, then emerges into an N.F.L. international training program and encounters the former New York Giant Osi Umenyiora. Better ground game than the Chiefs or 49ers.

 

BetMGM

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=betmgm+super+bowl+commercial+

 

Vince Vaughn explains that Tom Brady, and only Tom Brady, is not allowed to use the sports betting service because he has already won too much. Vaughn-to-Brady is a winning combination.

 

We interrupt this blog post to bring you a sample of 

what you can expect in the "Also Ran" Categories.

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEdk5JzXMs0

 

The Perfectly Fine
These get an A for effort and a B- for execution.

TurboTax

The “Abbott Elementary” star Quinta Brunson tells us (twice) to do our taxes. Brunson is so darn likable that it seems like a good idea.

NYX Cosmetics

Cardi B raps about lip gloss; an accompanying comedy bit about men using Duck Plump to plump something other than their lips was available online but not shown on CBS. The timidity was disappointing but Cardi B is never not funny.

Apartments.com

Aliens come to earth and, naturally, need an apartment. Simple-minded but any scenario benefits from the presence of Jeff Goldblum.

Etsy

America realizes it needs to give France a gift in return for the Statue of Liberty, uses Etsy to send a giant cheese board. Sounds cute, and it is.

Kia

Dad of the year uses his Kia EV9 to light a pop-up ice rink so a young figure skater can perform for her ailing grandfather. (Or at least that’s what it looks like.) High-horsepower tear-jerker.

Coors

The Coors Light train roars across the country to salvage an awkward big-game party. Forward momentum and an amusing five-second LL Cool J cameo.

Volkswagen

The American dream as lived by an immigrant named the Beetle, from 1949 to the present, set to “I Am … I Said.” Herbie goes to Ellis Island.

Doritos

A pair of abuelas named Dina and Mita go into avenger mode when a young guy grabs the last bag of Dinamita chips. Comic action with a brief appearance by Jenna Ortega.

Verizon

Beyoncé, with the help of Tony Hale (in “Veep” mode), tries to break the internet as a saxophonist, cyborg, Barbie, astronaut and Botus. Sorry, BeyHive, but self-referential does not equal super.

Microsoft

Everyday people contemplate the differences that the Copilot A.I. assistant could make in their lives. Evocative and (intentionally?) a little eerie.

STōK Cold Brew

Anthony Hopkins lampoons his own gravitas to sell cold brew coffee as well as promote the Wrexham soccer club. Sir Anthony is in good form but his 2016 spot for TurboTax was funnier.

 

 

Inoffensive but Forgettable
They tried. Nobody got hurt.

T-Mobile
Pluto TV
‘IF’
State Farm

Nerds
Budweiser

Salomon

Dove

 

 

Try Again
Had some talent involved but the result sailed wide right.

Booking.com
Starry
CeraVe
‘N.F.L. Sunday Ticket’
Michelob Ultra
Popeyes
Bass Pro Shops
Mighty Patch
 
Pringles
Hellmann’s
Veozah
Uber Eats
Snapchat

 

The Flagrant Missteps

Famous people and millions of dollars that

together can’t quite amount to mediocrity.

 

M&M’s

CrowdStrike

Pfizer

Bud Light

e.l.f. Cosmetics

Miller Lite

Homes.com

Kawasaki

Sketchers

Reese’s

 

The Worst of the Bunch

It takes real effort to be this bad.

 

Oreo

Paramount+

Temu

BodyArmor

Toyota

Drumstick

FanDuel

 



Takeaway to Consider

Super Bowl Commercials 2024 — @ $7 million pop for 30 seconds of air time (plus production costs and salaries all around) and zero ROI — was a roughly a billion dollar ego trip for Mad. Ave. creative directors and their dumb-ass clients.

 

 

###

 

Word Count: 1358

 

 


292pp     6" x 9"
Hardcover:     $39.95
Paperback:     $29.95
ebook/Kindle: $19.95

Amazon

 https://www.amazon.com/Method-Marketing-Denison-Hatch/dp/1648372767/ref=sr_1_9?keywords=method+marketing&qid=1681898276&sr=8-9

Barnes & Noble

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/method-marketing-denison-hatch/1100485178?ean=9781648372766

 

At age 15, Denny Hatch—as a lowly apprentice—wrote his first news release for a Connecticut summer theater. To his astonishment it ran verbatim in The Middletown Press. He was instantly hooked on writing. After a two-year stint in the U.S. Army (1958-60), Denny had nine jobs in his first 12 years in business. He was fired from five of them and went on to save two businesses and start three others. One of his businesses—WHO’S MAILING WHAT! newsletter and archive service founded in 1984—revolutionized the science of how to measure the success of competitors’ direct mail. In the past 55 years he has been a book club director, magazine publisher, advertising copywriter/designer, editor, journalist and marketing consultant. He is the author of four published novels and seven books on business and marketing.

CONTACT
dennyhatch@yahoo.com


Note to Readers:  
May I send you an alert when each new blog is posted? If so, kindly give me the okay by send
ing your First Name, Last Name and email to dennyhatch@yahoo.com. I guarantee your personal information will not be shared with anyone at any time for any reason. The blog is a free service. No cost. No risk. No obligation. Cancel any time. I look forward to being in touch!

IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE POSTING A COMMENT… EMAIL ME! I'LL HELP!
Google owns Blogspot.com and this Comment Section. If you do not have a Google account — or if you find it too damn complicated — contact me directly and I will happily post your comment with a note that this is per your permission. Thank you and do keep in touch. dennyhatch@yahoo.com


Invitation to Marketers and Direct Marketers: 
Guest Blog Posts Are Welcome. 
If you have a marketing story to tell, case history, concept to propose or a memoir, give a shout. I’ll get right back to you. I am: dennyhatch@yahoo.com
215-644-9526 (rings on my desk). 

You Are Invited to Join the Discussion.