#103 Blog Post – Tuesday, July 28, 2020
Posted by Denny Hatch
A Three-Word Deal Killer:
"*Batteries not included" always appear as a mouse-type footnote with an asterisk at the bottom of an ad, order card or so deep in digital copy that it hopefully goes unnoticed.
When a package arrives in the mail, or via UPS or FedEx, It’s Exciting. Something You’ve Been Looking Forward to.
It’s like a present. You want to tear off the wrapping and start enjoying it immediately!
You want to instantly… read it… wear it… taste it… cook with it… hang it on the wall… plug it in and watch it… vacuum the rug with it… print out a letter on it.
If it requires batteries, you want to listen to it… call your mother on it… tickle it… use it to take great photographs… or fly it (at no more than 400-feet altitude in accordance with FAA regulations).
If you don’t happen to have the right batteries and can’t immediately start using the purchase, it’s a downer. The longer it sits around unused, the more depressing it becomes.
What do
batteries cost when bought in huge quantities? 20¢ each? 40¢ each for a total
of 80¢ or $1.60? This could be buried in the price of the product or added to
the shipping cost.
Put it this way. The promotion worked like gangbusters. You are blitzed with orders. You are really, really happy and celebrated with Champagne. Now is the time to make your customers really, really happy—and keep them buying for a long time!
A copywriter would never write “*Batteries not included.” It’s a concept added afterwards by sphincter-tight lawyers or bean counters.
As direct marketers we're not here primarily to make a sale; we're here to get a customer. Sales are important, of course. (Where would marketers be without them?) But the name of this game is repeat sales rather than one-shots. And to have that, you need a customer. —Joan Throckmorton
This Post is Really About CREATIVE BACK-END MARKETING: A Boring Title and the Absolute Key to Your Future Success!
For years, the direct marketing industry used as shorthand CRM: “Customer Retention Marketing”—a totally cold, impersonal phrase no doubt dreamed up by some MBA in a white paper or PhD’s business treatise.
Later it was softened CRM: “Customer Relationship Marketing. ”Still academic and stiff.
Along came Denny Hatch with a cranky newsletter, WHO’S MAILING WHAT! He came up with the term, “Customer Relationship Magic.” This never caught on. But then I was always a minnow in an ocean of giant sharks and orcas. Alas.
In the May 1987 issue of my newsletter I wrote:
One of the absolute worst, dumbest things a mailer can do is spend a bundle of money on acquiring a customer — bringing a new member into the family — and then turning the care and feeding of that precious new name over to the customer service department to be batched and butchered by a number cruncher or fulfillment clerk who fills in as a copywriter to save time and money.
This is not the exception; this is the norm.
Let me share with you a story: In 1984 I saw an ad for a half-price offer for Southern Living magazine and subscribed. Here is the acknowledgment:
Translation:
Dear Pain-in-the-Ass,
You nitwit! You didn’t read the small print that said this offer was limited to people who actually live in the South. Blah… blah… blah.
If I were circ manager of Southern Living, here’s how I would deal with this:
• Obviously S.L. Hatch as someone who loves the South, has money and who sent us $8.98 for a subscription.
• I would TEST sending Hatch a welcome letter in an envelope with this teaser:
THANK YOU AND WELCOME TO SOUTHERN LIVING!
• Enclose an effusive, personalized letter saying I was delighted to hear from S.L Hatch and to thank him for subscribing.
• Apologize for not making it clear the Special Introductory Offer was for residents who live in the South.
• Make the following offer:
— 1. Apply the $8.98 to a six-month subscription. After 6
months. if S.L. Hatch liked the publication, he would be invited to subscribe
for a full year. If unhappy at any point, write and receive a full refund of the $8.98 no questions asked.
— 2. Southern Living is a major publisher of beautifully
illustrated Southern Cookbooks and Garden Books. S.L. Hatch is invited to receive
one of these two titles for the $8.98 he sent in:
— 3. Refund in full S.L. Hatch’s $8.99
Offer #1
(6-month trial subscription) or offer #2 (buy a book at a big discount) would enable
Southern Living to keep the $8.99.
The net effect: the conversion of S.L. Hatch into paying customer who might be receptive to future offers for books, magazines or other goodies. If Hatch wanted a refund, it would be sent immediately.
The entire premise of Back-end Marketing: Creating Customer Relationship Magic!
• Welcome Letters
• Upsells
• Special Deals and Sales
• Renewals and Billing Efforts
• Digital Communications—emails, website design and easy navigation
• Surveys
• Telephone Sales
• Shipping
• Returns
• Customer Complaints, Questions, Correspondence
• Instructions on how to use the product or service.
In short, without superb back-end marketing—world-class writers and designers—you don’t have a business.
Takeaway to Consider
Word count: 857
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Denny Hatch always offers a beneficial surprise. I never thought of how offensive an absence of batteries really meant. Such shortsightedness from stupid mailers. Thanks for your insight.
ReplyDeleteJeffrey, Many thanks for taking the time to comment and for you kind words. I can't emphasize enough the importance of back-end marketing—the care and feeding of customers. Do keep in touch! Cheers!
DeleteGood afternoon, Denny!
ReplyDeleteWhen I had my shop, every year, we would have a holiday party for clients. Each one would get a highly creative, highly unusual gift to take home with them. Many times, these were clever gadgets from unusual sources. Often, these required batteries. I would spend hours before the party, opening the packages, installing the batteries, then resealing the packages, even if it marred the appearance of the package.
Several times, clients called me to thank me for putting the batteries in for them. Some confessed to not having batteries around the house. Others admitted they were no good at opening battery compartments and installing batteries. All appreciated the extra touch we put into our holiday gifts.
For "Southern Living," I would offer option 4: Just give 'em the damned subscription for a whole year, then add a note remarking on how interested we were to see someone NOT from the South with such an intense interest in the South, and inviting them to tell me why.
How many people could there possibly have been like you? What could that tiny cohort possibly add to the cost of the promotion? What are the odds that you would renew and renew after that kind of welcome?
Best regards!
Tim Orr
Tim,
DeleteGreat comment—especially your idea for Option #4 — “Give ‘em a free subscription.” Certainly worth a test!
In going over my notes from 1997 I came across this: No matter what business you are in, your most valuable and profitable prospects are your current customers. Merchandise must be shipped quickly and letters answered immediately — not at the convenience of the computer. Every customer must always be made to feel personally important. One of our correspondents called to ask for some sample billing series in the Archive. It seems people were buying the products from the initial offering, but pay-up was a disaster, and the marketing department was called in to put out the fire. "It's a very delicate situation," our correspondent confided. "The Customer Service Department, which has been writing the billing series, considers these customers to be their property and doesn't want us involved. It's all very political." Can you imagine! Talk about gawd-awful management!
Do keep in touch! In the words of my favorite news anchor Lester Holt: “Take care of yourself… and each other.”
Cheers.
Those who "get it" would never call it the "customer service department."
ReplyDeleteWe call it the "customer excellence team!"
And truth be known, we don't use the word customer. Look the word up in the dictionary. It defines a FINANCIAL TRANSACTION. If you're my client, guest, patient, etc. you're under my care, protection and guidance.
So... would you rather be my "customer," or would you rather be my "client?"
I never much liked the word "customer." Cussed, disgust, must, hustings, fussed, pus, gust, rust. Not pretty sounds. I agree with you. I prefer "client." Ideally a pliant client. Not a defiant client.
DeleteI also dislike the word "service" — as in customer service.
It reminds me of the great folksy American trick rope artist, comedian and star of Ziegfeld Follies Will Rogers When he was a small boy he was sitting on a fence at family ranch in Oklahoma on the shore of Lake Oolagah.
Suddenly a magnificent prize stud bull from the next ranch was being led across the Rogers’ property by two cowhands.
“Where are you going? Young Will asked.
“We’re taking this bull over to the next ranch to service a prize heifer,” one of them replied.
Will Rogers said, “Now every time I hear the word ‘service,’ I know somebody is going to get screwed.”
Thanks for writing. Do keep in touch.