#198 The Stork

 

 #198 The Stork - Tuesday, 2 January 2024

http://dennyhatch.blogspot.com/2024/01/198-stork_2.html

Posted by Denny Hatch

 

The Gloomiest News Cycles Since WW2. A Remedy? Lotsa Laffs Guaranteed! R.S.V.P.

 

The Stork got lotsa laffs 46 years ago. Given the ongoing horrors and uncertainties in the current news cycles — state, national and world — fueled by the greedy media horny for ratings, I believe it may be a propitious time to revive this ribald hoot.

 

The Dazzling News.
Forty-six years ago I wrote this totally wackadoodle novel in my spare time. It was published by William Morrow and immediately sold to the movies. That was the launch of my thrilling three-month roller coaster ride! 

 

When my wonderful agent, Marvin Moss, called to tell me The Stork — hot off my typewriter — had been sold to the movies I was catapulted into Seventh Heaven. It got better!

John Avildsen! Wow! This totally unknown young director had become an instant filmdom legend by winning the 1977 Academy Award as Best Director for his very first movie: ROCKY. Avildsen brought ROCKY in for just under $1 million and it generated $225 million in world box office sales.

 

Book Critics Liked The Stork! 
Here’s the Very First of Many Reviews:

PUBLISHERS WEEKLY
January 31, 1977

THE STORK
Denison Hatch. Morrow, $8.95
ISBN 0-688-03160-9

"In his mid-30’s, Tim Smith gets fed up with the family business of breeding prize bulls and sets out on his own—in the field of human breeding.  By luck, Tim chances on a society whose members are all “Descended from the Great”—from Napoleon to Oscar Wilde—and he starts selling noble ancestors to childless couples through his frozen sperm bank. It’s a foolproof  “scientific” operation, with compatibility of sperm confirmed by computer and insemination performed by the best gynecologists, and soon Tim and his partners are millionaires. Then the bubble bursts when they overreach themselves to enlist a supposed descendant of Jesus Christ as a sperm donor, when a mix-up of semen gives a bigoted impotent Senator a black son, and a Rockefeller last will and testament up for probate draws scores of hitherto unknown heirs. Hatch mixes fictional with real-life people indiscriminately in his breezy and entertaining story. One dictionary definition of “ribald” is “possessing rough convivial wit.” That’s Hatch for you. Some readers will find this a riot; others will not.
Universal has bought the film rights,  [April 4]"

Here’s my absolute favorite review by Ben Marble in the L.A. Times:

"When someone named Denny Hatch writes a spoof called “The Stork (A Novel About Breeding),” the reader is entitled to know eggsactly what’s going on. Briefly, this: Tim Smith is 30ish, fed up with playing cupid at his father’s Aberdeen-Angus stud farm and eager for a little pocket money—his tax-wise, curmudgeonly sire has all his possessions listed in the name of the farm, and although Tim drives a car any oil sheikh would admire, he rarely has much more than parking-meter change in his Bill Blass suit. He decides to split, to make it on his own as a consultant on human artificial insemination using a knowledge of genetics gained down on the farm.

"It’s a bummer. All across the country gynecologists are content with the contributions made by their anonymous donors—mostly medical students in need of a few dollars—and unanimously turn him down. Tim’s sophisticated computer dating system is designed to produce the perfectly matched-up zygote. The whole program is bailed out by an opportune arrival—one Mike O’Shea, leprechaun-of- all-trades, who hits upon the supreme finishing touch to Tim’s human mating scheme: promising parents that their artificially induced offspring will bear the genes of distinguished ancestors.

"O’Shea, that elegant elf who claims to know everyone who’s anybody, is to supply the donors of pedigreed seed. Authenticity and effectiveness of the donations are guaranteed to each recipient. The service is confidential—only the parents know their little darling is a byproduct—several generations removed, of Napoleon (even Josephine)—and anonymity of recipients is stringently maintained.

"With the aid of a gynecologist who supplies professional respectability and plenty of persuasion, whose efforts are abetted by a field sales force that also functions as an acquisitions team, Tim and Mike thrive mightily. The cash rolls in by the tens of millions. Can anything go wrong? Of course it can—everything can, and will. The pace quickens nicely at this point, and the resolution of the book’s many threads into one outrageous, coincidence-supported spermatic Götterdämmerung is one of the thigh-slappingest scenes I have read in years. It is also gross beyond words. But by this time the reader has either become toughened to the author’s raunchiness or put the book down, period.

"After all, a story whose central theme involves the onanism of various quadrupeds and bipeds can hardly maintain the tone of Little Women. So let us forgive the author his sins (after all, he’s probably willing to forgive us our sins—anybody who’d have his dustcover picture taken with a parakeet on his head is in no position to cast any first stones) and lean back for some hearty laughs. The story is certainly original and even though easy to find Comstockian fault with, it has some wondrously funny scenes."
—End Ben Marble Review

 

The Bad News: The Stork Disappeared Without a Trace.
For starters the sale of The Stork to Universal Pictures was not a sale. It was a small down payment (a.k.a. an option). It was low four figures (less 15% to my agent) which gave the fledgling Turman-Foster Company 60 days to come up with a contract and some serious investment money to get this project in the works. Other projects came up and Turman-Foster abandoned The Stork.

In addition, I was working my tail off as a mail order book club director and copywriter for Better Homes & Gardens and Macmillan Publishers. I did not dare quit my full-time jobs in Manhattan, because I needed the dough. My career came first. Alas, The Stork never flew.

In 2016 I reread The Stork and, yeah, it had a barrel of laffs. I self-published The Stork as an e-book on Amazon Kindle. It cost me nothing to have it preserved for sale to any and all. And thither it sat for six years.

Fast Forward to Tuesday, July 19,2022.
A Wake-up Call for DH from The New York Post

Elon Musk’s dad, 76, ready to donate sperm to 'high-class’ women: ‘Why not?’
“Brace yourselves — a new generation of Elon Musks may soon be on the horizon.
     “The Tesla boss’s father, Errol Musk, has been asked to donate his sperm to several South American women — just days after he confirmed that he squired a secret second love child with his own stepdaughter.
     “The lusty patriarch, 76, says his seed is currently coveted by a company in Colombia because it contains the same genius genes that made the world’s richest man...”

https://nypost.com/2022/07/19/elon-musks-dad-76-ready-to-donate-sperm-to-high-class-women-why-not/#
—Andrew Court, The New York Post, July 19, 2022

 

Holy Smoke! A Cockamamie Story Right Out of The Stork! 
I thought there might be life in the old girl yet. But... Would 21^st century American readers relate to this nutty 46-year-old story? I decided to invest in some cheap publicity to see if The Stork would resonate with a new generation of readers a half century later.

 

Here’s a Current (2022) Review of the Stork From the Online Book Club.
The Online Book Club is devoted entirely to e-books. It is huge – alleged to have five million active members! E-mail a copy of your published e-book plus $90 and you’ll get a review. I’ve sent in four books (including the current “Method Marketing”), to see what happens. Absolutely no promise or guarantee of a good review. In the immortal words of Mark Twain: "You pays your money and you takes you chances!”

What would a modern reviewer say about a 46-year-old war horse on the subject of artificial insemination in people? Would The Stork fly?

Official Review from Online Book Club
28 OCT 2022, 07:12
By Ruth Omonegho
https://forums.onlinebookclub.org/viewtopic.php?t=260471&p=2061608

"These days, there are cases of IVF [in vitro fertilization] where couples that can’t generally conceive because of an anomaly in the husband are given a chance to be parents. Some people donate their sperm for this purpose, but few genuinely take this as a regular means of generating revenue for themselves. However, if you, as a troubled parent, were offered the sperm of a descendant of a famous person, let us say, Michael Jackson, what would you do? How much would you pay to have the baby of Michael Jackson’s descendant?

 

"The Stork: A Comedy About Breeding People is the story of Tim Smith (The Stork), who, after helping his father in the business of selling sperm of bulls all over the world, decides to start a life of his own and takes his friend, Balthus Roosevelt (Bink), along to New York. During their brief stay in Spain, they meet a medical student who donates sperm for a living. After a brief discussion, Tim is motivated to start an artificial insemination business, leveraging the expertise of Dr Resnikow, who provides the facility and funding for their business (Delees Corporation). Starting up becomes so rough that they almost go bankrupt. To save their business, they must go the extra mile to surpass their competitors. What do they do? How do they manage to get through? Grab this copy of the comedy and enjoy. 

 

"Right off the bat, I need to commend the expertise of Denny Hatch. This book is an old book that the author decided to bring back to life. It was once scheduled to go on screen, but unfortunately, it didn’t materialize. This book would have made an excellent and hilarious movie. If, by chance, you are reading this and have the capacity to make the author's dream come to life by connecting him with someone who can produce this book into a movie, feel free to connect with him. I forgot to mention that a true-life event inspired the story.

 

"At first, I got confused at the beginning because I couldn’t place what or who Glen Muir was. However, as I read on and realized what Glen was, I flowed into the whole realm and enjoyed every bit of it. The author's descriptive power brought every page of the book to life. I couldn't get lost because it was so vivid. The characters are well developed so that you know the background of all the key characters and can easily identify with them. 

 

"My favorite is Balthus Roosevelt. Even though the business is promising, his moral standard still stands. However, he has gone so deep that it has become difficult for him to pull out. Even at that, he tried his best to stand by the truth. Mike O'Shea, the Irish man, seems to be my funniest character. His introduction brings a lot of comic relief to the whole plot. ‘You phony bastard’ is a phrase that makes him stand out from the rest of the characters. I was skeptical about him initially, and my skepticism was eventually justified.

 

"One of the lessons that stood out for me is that just because your father or grandfather is famous does not mean you can be as successful if you do not put in the effort. In fact, their fame, many times, causes a burden for their offspring. Another is, do not be gullible. Move back and run when you are told something too good to be true. How on earth can anyone believe that Jesus Christ has a descendant? As I said earlier, the author did a great job with this book.

 

"There is nothing to dislike about this book. However, I found more than ten errors while reading, so I will rate this book 3 out of 4 stars. I implore the author to edit this book one more time.

 

"I recommend this book to lovers of comedy and those who want to learn one or two things regarding artificial insemination. I wish the author well on his mission to get a producer for this book. I would love to see it on the screen one day." — Ruth Omonegho

 

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A Modest Proposal — 49% Ownership of The Stork.

I own all rights to The Stork. I don’t have an agent. I don’t know any book publishers, movie makers or TV miniseries entrepreneurs. Are you such a person? Do you know anybody looking for a literary property to turn into movie or miniseries? If so, let’s have some fun. If you can make this scheme work, I am happy to assign half-ownership (49%) of all rights to The Stork (print, digital, film, TV, et al.).

 

Interested? Kindly Start Here.

Click below to receive a FREE SAMPLE of The Stork from Amazon — the first 5 chapters (11,000+ words). No risk. No obligation.

 

https://www.amazon.com/STORK-Comedy-About-Breeding-People-ebook/dp/B01GIQM96C/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1E7FGARDD1JWB&keywords=the+stork+denny+hatch+book&qid=1702583470&sprefix=THE+STORK+den%2Caps%2C123&sr=8-1&asin=B01GIQM96C&revisionId=e1ab946c&format=1&depth=1

 

If you are amused — and further intrigued by this oddball offer — you are invited to order the Kindle edition. Your total upfront investment to learn everything I know about this unusual property: $9.99.

 

P.S. If you forward this blog post to friends, family and/or colleagues — and it results in a deal — you’re in for a handsome piece of the action.

 
Two Additional Reviews from 1977

 

Kirkus Reviews

February 15, 1977

Hatch, Denison

THE STORK

Morrow $8.95

4/4 LC: 76-46420

ISBN: 688-03160-9

 "Tim Smith is called “The Stork” because of his leggy, bony, storky mien, but the nickname takes on new meaning when Tim leaves his father’s cattle stud-farm empire and applies his unrivaled breeding know-how to humans: a computerized sperm bank for the best in artificial insemination. Unfortunately, even with the prestige of his reluctant partner’s name (Bink Roosevelt, supposedly an FDR grandson) and the expertise and dollars of Dr. Resnikow (Central Park South’s top gynecologist), Tim’s operation is a flop. So, to stimulate business, Tim and Bink and Doc resolve to fill their “creamatorium” with a “Who’s Who of American sperm”—an easy proposition once Tim meets Tony Wilde (as in Oscar), top honcho at S.A.D.D.O.G.  S.A.D.D.O.G.? Sons and Daughters Descended of the Great. Soon all those ne’er-do-well scions are hooked up to the ACCU-JAC machine—encouraged by screenings of Marilyn Chambers and Linda Lovelace—and Tim’s menu promises everything from a third-generation Hemingway ($37,000) to a sixteenth-generation Hans Holbein the Elder ($12,000). Business booms, but Bink’s ethics, a muckraking reporter (“This story is going to do for me what Watergate did for Woodward and Bernstein!”), hints of forged genealogies, and one slight error (a Southern senator’s wife gets an Adam Clayton Powell instead of a John Wesley Powell) precipitate a sticky, Day of Judgment,” “notary pubic,” “El Seed”), Hatch unreels this fantasia with approximately the right mix of slapstick, word-plan and documentary mock-seriousness. He also decorates the doings with so-many irreverent au-courancies that The Stork is already dated (Clay Felker plays an important role as New York Magazine editor), so this is not one for the ages, or even next year, but, for the moment and for all those interested in real people doing vaguely real things, The Stork makes a lively enough delivery."

 

 

 

 

LIBRARY JOURNAL
Richard Moses, Oakville P.L., Ontario Canada

"Fed up to his elbows with bulls, Tim Smith leaves the family stock breeding business to apply his considerable knowledge and skill to humankind. Artificial insemination is the name of the game; the demand is terrific, the money abundant, particularly after a gaggle of “famous descendants” agreed to donate the required seed. The climax (sorry) comes when at one and the same time the lineage of Jesus Christ is “traced,” the gaggle turns out phony (tough the1000 children therefrom produced have turned out splendidly—power of suggestion?), and the company beats a hasty retreat. Interesting points raised about human v. cattle breeding (the latter makes far more sense); overall, quite a provocative premise is advanced. The text is larded with atrocious puns and far-fetched headings, but it all makes for enjoyable if sophisticated reading."

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At age 15, Denny Hatch—as a lowly apprentice—wrote his first news release for a Connecticut summer theater. To his astonishment it ran verbatim in The Middletown Press. He was instantly hooked on writing. After a two-year stint in the U.S. Army (1958-60), Denny had nine jobs in his first 12 years in business. He was fired from five of them and went on to save two businesses and start three others. One of his businesses—WHO’S MAILING WHAT! newsletter and archive service founded in 1984—revolutionized the science of how to measure the success of competitors’ direct mail. In the past 55 years he has been a book club director, magazine publisher, advertising copywriter/designer, editor, journalist and marketing consultant. He is the author of four published novels and seven books on business and marketing.

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